Content and happy?

[Sam_Boss260]

Having read the Depression / Anxiety thread on here, as well as What made you feel good thread, it got me thinking..... What makes you happy, and in fact are you happy and content in life right now?

I guess, this might be a bit of a place where we can get all deep and talk about our feelings and how happy and content we really are?

Lately I've been feeling a sense of unhappiness and discontentment. Work is quite full on and stressful and home life, which is normally my sanctuary doesn't feel like home at all anymore as we know have my mother in law living us full time. So I feel like a stranger in my own home at times. There isn't much we can do about this, she not able to live alone since the father in law passed away last year but she is too well for independent living / retirement village. My wife's brother isn't supportive and that puts more stress and strain on us. My wife is doing the best she can, and I guess is feeling the same way.

I love my wife to bits, but all this strain cannot not take a toll on us. She is always tired and stressed with her mum - she has mild dementia, high diabetes and has at least 2 -3 doctors or specialist appointments a week for one thing or another, so my wife is always running around with her.

I'm finally making very good money at work, but just don't seem content in myself. I love my motorbikes and taking it out for a blast on the weekends but sometimes I just couldn't be stuffed.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhoea, but I thought that there may be other going through similar things and might be good to share.

[damo76]

Yes i hear ya.
Work is finishing again... impossible for me to get any full time work with the one company i enjoy working for because i'm a quiet bloke who can't strike conversation or crack people up. But by god i work hard. It's sad how someone 15 years younger than me who is absolutely lazy but yet he can brown nose so well has pretty much secured a position with the company.
I have a mortgage and kids and would love to take out a loan and buy a new motorbike but life is really going no where.
Not sure whats going on i once again cant plan and most probably have to battle through the winter months again... waiting for work to pick up.
I was going to suggest buy a motorbike because it has been the one thing that actually puts a smile on my face.
May sound a bit morbid but its good to hear not the only one sometimes.

[SSD-85]

If anyone is content with their life, they are on deaths shortlist.

People are still trying to wake up from their own deception. The realisation of this....is depression.

[Moby Vic]

I'm employed, I've got a roof over my head, and I go to bed with a full belly. What more do you need?

[superyob]

I hate to be the harbinger of doom and gloom Moby Vic, but the previous post seems to indicate that you days are numbered…

I on the other hand totally agree with your sentiment...

[Sam_Boss260]

Originally Posted by superyob

I hate to be the harbinger of doom and gloom Moby Vic, but the previous post seems to indicate that you days are numbered…

I on the other hand totally agree with your sentiment...

Confused..... which previous post? And who are you agreeing with?

[Sam_Boss260]

Originally Posted by Moby Vic

I'm employed, I've got a roof over my head, and I go to bed with a full belly. What more do you need?

If that all it takes and you are completely happy and content then you are a lucky man. Surely there is more to life....

[Dash_XR]

Keep thinking that and you always be unhappy and discontent.

[Streets]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

home life, which is normally my sanctuary doesn't feel like home at all anymore ... So I feel like a stranger in my own home at times.

I am experiencing something similar to this as well at the moment and it is not a good feeling. The home should be a safe space where you are comfortable and when that is not the case it wears you down and it feels (for me at least) like there is no way to escape.

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

I love my wife to bits, but all this strain cannot not take a toll on us. She is always tired and stressed with her mum - she has mild dementia, high diabetes and has at least 2 -3 doctors or specialist appointments a week for one thing or another, so my wife is always running around with her.

Be careful because all this stress builds up over time. Looking after someone with dementia is a huge job. I have seen what happens to people who devote themselves to the care of others at the detriment of their own health, and it is not good at all. You MUST make sure to take care of yourselves as well, in any way possible.

[superyob]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

Confused..... which previous post? And who are you agreeing with?

The post directly before Moby Vic's and I'm agreeing with MV's post...

[Sam_Boss260]

Yeah look, I take everyone's comments and they are valid. I guess my point is that life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Sure it isn't all doom and gloom - I have healthy kids, a roof over my head and food on the table. But sometimes it feels like things are just cr@$.

[Grunter]

Talk to a close friend or professional. Believe me it's amazing how fast your life can go to **** when you're in that frame of mind.

Not saying this would/could happen to you, however it happened to someone very close to me, who was going through a tough patch mentally (similar to your comments). Unfortunately it got to much for him where he thought that life would be better if he separated from his wife and moved out (kids involved as well), and went out seeking a "better" more exciting life.

He completely regrets that he didn't seek help to work through his own feelings before it got to that point. He feels worse now and no longer has the close family he adored. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, although it can sure look attractive before you get there.

[Sam_Boss260]

Originally Posted by Grunter

Talk to a close friend or professional. Believe me it's amazing how fast your life can go to **** when you're in that frame of mind.

Not saying this would/could happen to you, however it happened to someone very close to me, who was going through a tough patch mentally (similar to your comments). Unfortunately it got to much for him where he thought that life would be better if he separated from his wife and moved out (kids involved as well), and went out seeking a "better" more exciting life.

He completely regrets that he didn't seek help to work through his own feelings before it got to that point. He feels worse now and no longer has the close family he adored. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, although it can sure look attractive before you get there.

Fair comment. Thanks

[MercurySilver]

meditation

[Ross 1]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

Yeah look, I take everyone's comments and they are valid. I guess my point is that life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Sure it isn't all doom and gloom - I have healthy kids, a roof over my head and food on the table. But sometimes it feels like things are just cr@$.

It has taken me till my 40's to feel truly content and happy. It is a slow process, took me 10 years of consciously trying for it, I had to figure out what I did and didn't like about myself. Working on changing what I could and accepting what I couldn't. Counselling for depression helped a lot and allowed me a bit more clarity for soul searching. Once I was happy and confident in myself everything else slowly fell into place, home, marriage, family and work.

You and your wife need to find time for each other and yourselves, hopefully you have care options to enable someone else to look after your mother in law, even if it's once a week. Date nights together, half a day for yourselves doing what makes you feel happy. Do not feel guilty about going out for a few hours on your own and encourage your wife to leave the duties to you for a few hours so she can get out. This has made a big difference to our relationship and we are the happiest we've been in 20 years of marriage.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

Having read the Depression / Anxiety thread on here, as well as What made you feel good thread, it got me thinking..... What makes you happy, and in fact are you happy and content in life right now?

I guess, this might be a bit of a place where we can get all deep and talk about our feelings and how happy and content we really are?

Lately I've been feeling a sense of unhappiness and discontentment. Work is quite full on and stressful and home life, which is normally my sanctuary doesn't feel like home at all anymore as we know have my mother in law living us full time. So I feel like a stranger in my own home at times. There isn't much we can do about this, she not able to live alone since the father in law passed away last year but she is too well for independent living / retirement village. My wife's brother isn't supportive and that puts more stress and strain on us. My wife is doing the best she can, and I guess is feeling the same way.

I love my wife to bits, but all this strain cannot not take a toll on us. She is always tired and stressed with her mum - she has mild dementia, high diabetes and has at least 2 -3 doctors or specialist appointments a week for one thing or another, so my wife is always running around with her.

I'm finally making very good money at work, but just don't seem content in myself. I love my motorbikes and taking it out for a blast on the weekends but sometimes I just couldn't be stuffed.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhoea, but I thought that there may be other going through similar things and might be good to share.

If I were in your shoes and "making very good money" I would seriously look at putting a portable granny flat in the back yard.

Put just enough steps in it to make it uncomfortable for MIL to go back and forth too much.

(Can't believe you haven't considered it...)

Hope that helps?


BTW I am completely happy, kids have all left home I have some interesting projects to do and don't need to work at all anymore...

[xa_jg66]

Work has changed my roster so I work about 500hrs a year less (comes with a pay cut of course but nothing is free hey) and ive just become a dad to a beautiful baby girl so I am definatley happy. Content though is a totally different thing - I don't think ive ever been content and I don't know when or if I ever will be, I guess I feel the day you are content is the day you stop striving to be better. Better is a fluid term and sometimes it might mean earning more money, sometimes it might mean being more supportive to your wife, sometimes it might mean doing more charity work, eating better, or performing better at the gym or an endless number of things. That said I firmly agree with Grunter's comments because I agree it can spiral out of control very quickly if you try to keep it to yourself.

[Moby Vic]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

If that all it takes and you are completely happy and content then you are a lucky man. Surely there is more to life....

It's a solid foundation. There is much more to my life, but without those things life would be difficult.

I'm also in good health, and I've got enough money that I've been able to do some international travel. I have all the material comforts I need as well, but those aren't really the way to happiness.

Find yourself out of work, homeless, and hungry and I guarantee you will miss your days of being unhappy and discontented with the basics.

[superyob]

Originally Posted by xa_jg66

Work has changed my roster so I work about 500hrs a year less (comes with a pay cut of course but nothing is free hey) and ive just become a dad to a beautiful baby girl so I am definatley happy. Content though is a totally different thing - I don't think ive ever been content and I don't know when or if I ever will be, I guess I feel the day you are content is the day you stop striving to be better. Better is a fluid term and sometimes it might mean earning more money, sometimes it might mean being more supportive to your wife, sometimes it might mean doing more charity work, eating better, or performing better at the gym or an endless number of things. That said I firmly agree with Grunter's comments because I agree it can spiral out of control very quickly if you try to keep it to yourself.

I think that 'better' is a state of mind that leads to contentment, rather than a set of actions/ambitions...

[Ratmick]

Hi Sam.

Firstly keep your chin up mate. Easy for me to say, but as guys above me have said if you're predisposed to depression, or have a family history, then it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. After living with my Ex and her depression neither you nor your wife want that (your MIL probably won't care however, but it's not about her).

If you're also under the pump at work, and your wife is being hammered by demands at home as well then both of you are not going to get any quality time with just the two of you...and this is where your wife's brother should be stepping in (seeing he's not stepping up elsewhere). Would he consider taking his mum one or two nights a fortnight? At the very least this would give you both a rest and time to reconnect as a couple.

Secondly if you want to vent then vent. Want to lay things out in the open, well one thing I've discovered about this forum is unless you like getting into the p!ssing matches in certain threads in the Pub then most of the guys are actually pretty good blokes.

One thing is for sure, the size of this forum ensures you'll have someone in here is somewhat the same boat. They may even be further along the curve than yourself and will have good advice.

I'm not sure how things work in Queensland but someone with mild dementia and diabetes would be well and truly qualify for supported living here in an Aged Care facility. My missus is a PCA (Personal Care Assiatant) at the local facility and they have people in there which far fewer and way less onerous symptoms than the ones you are describing.

They are separated into three groups:
Low Care, those who have all their faculties and don't need much in the way of attention, they just need someone to keep an eye on them.
High Care, those who have health issues, maybe they've had a mild stroke or they need assistance with toileting or bathing, reminders to take their meds.
Dementia, those who have no idea where they are, who they are but mostly know who they were (and can't really work out who they are now).

From what you're saying your MIL fits somewhere between low care and high care (I'd stick her in high care as dementia is generally a one-way street).

They also have what they call 'aging in place' for those who are upset by being constantly moved between the various wings in the facility. They set the residents rooms up with their own furniture from their home and their care changes as their needs change.

Might be worth checking out (my missus works at a Bupa facility, they'd be much the same across Australia I think).

In my case I have a stressful work environment with a well-paying IT job in a major Bank. I enjoy my job, I like the people I work with and I don't even mind the Bank as an employer. What I don't like is the current crap we have to go through to get anything done, and my numpty of a boss.

What do I do about it? Well it pays the bills and keeps the kids fed so I stick my head down/bum up and bite my tongue...plus I complain to my missus...a lot . I do try to leave work at work, but it doesn't always turn out that way. At the age of 48 I took up electric guitar from scratch as I needed something that would switch my mind off everything else in my head for at least an hour of practise. I used to ride motorbikes but she wasn't being ridden at all and after registering her for the third year in a row and having not ridden once I sold her to someone my age (I'm 51 now) that had just returned to riding after a family break.

I split with my Ex years ago. She left me with the kids, an an unrenovated house and all the bills. Losing one salary was tough, although I've since repartnered with a lady who is (generally ) a lot more supportive and she helps with the bills.

My kids are now nearly fully grown, my eldest is 22 and has a daughter of his own. The younger two are 20 and 19 and finishing off their schooling. My partner's daughter is not quite 18 but I think will probably leave the nest before my two. As such I can see the end of the tunnel, but there are days I'd like to tell all of them to just get the f out and leave me in peace for a few hours .

So am I happy? Not fully, I'd like more money and a better boss. I'm passably happy most days. My house is still partially unrenovated and spare time and money seems to just disappear.

Am I content? Not really. My lot in life is pretty set and I don't really like the way it turned out but I'm too old and too much in debt to change it. I could go to Uni, but at the age of 61 (assuming I still work to pay the bills) I'll be Australia's oldest graduate and still living in an unrenovated house. And then I'll have to take a major pay cut, assuming someone would employ a 61yo grad .

Woah long post, got a bit carried away...apologies.

[superyob]

Interesting read Ratmick. I guarantee you would not be Australia's oldest graduate. There were many older people doing courses at uni when I was doing my study...

[MITCHAY]

Originally Posted by Moby Vic

I'm employed, I've got a roof over my head, and I go to bed with a full belly. What more do you need?

It's pretty funny. We all want this and that but the older you get the more you appreciate those basic human rights. Everything after that is a bonus.

[mik]

Just wondering if you have thought about a part time carer ....... or even a full time carer, it is a very tuff gig looking after someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
perhaps it might be something to think about if you havent thought about , trying not to be too blunt , but in some cases dementia only gets even more difficult to deal with as time goes on .

these services are offered down south , i imagine they would be be up north too.

[Sam_Boss260]

Thanks to all for your replies.

Ratmick - Your post truly hit close to home and you have identified a few points which I haven't mentioned as yet.

In terms of work, I am also in IT and generally enjoy my job. The boss is ok, can be quite firm at times but he is generally fair. However the environment is good and I get along with colleagues in general. There are always those clients and people who report to me that give you the sh#%s, but hey you get that everywhere.

I'm well aware of the supported living situations, as this is where my own mum and dad were. It was a great place that cared well for their changing needs. Mum was high care and dad was low care when they went in. We lost mum first and then gradually went into high care until he passed. The place was fantastic, brand new self-contained apartments, however it cost dad, then of course us (after dad passed) a fair amount of money out of our inheritance. But at the end of the day, it was mum and dad's money that served them well until they passed and they had all the care and attention that they needed.

Now this brings me to the next issue. I think the MIL would be better placed in a supported living facility or aged care type place, IF both her kids were supporting that. She doesn't want to go anywhere but I think could be persuaded. Problem being that she does not get a pension at all - nothing, as she has property (principle place of residence and a block of run down old flats) that pushes her over the threshold. The income from the flats barely covers the cost of rates, insurance and utilities of both properties. So seeing as she really doesn't have much of an income, I don't know how she would pay for a live-in carer. The BIL simply refuses to sell any of the properties to set the MIL up. He has his eyes on the properties to develop in units or townhouses after the old lady dies. I know, massive problems are ahead of me, massive.

So if she can't afford to stay in her own home to pay for live-in carers, and does not get a pension, how can she afford to eat? To me the solution is simple, sell the properties and set her up now with whatever care she needs. When she is gone (could be another 10 years) then divide up whatever is left. But it isn't that simple.

Dunno, all this side of the situation is also adding to the stresses and issues that I was referring to in the first post.

Adding to the happy and content matter.... is my life complicated right now? HELL YEAH !!

[Ratmick]

Well that blows on several fronts and sh!ts me severely (on your behalf).

Firstly your BIL is a selfish self-centred pr!ck.

Secondly you need to get legal assistance now as if your MIL is still alive it's not HIS property unless he has power of attorney, and even though you still need legal counsel.

She has the right to live off her own money generated from her property and if he doesn't like that I'd be dropping her off with a suitcase one Sunday afternoon with a 'see you later'.

What are you wife's views of all this?

[rag top]

Track down a copy of this doco and watch it:

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/programs/ma...stralia-happy/

Was thought provoking as to how they fared over the 8 week program.

[Itsme]

Yeah I'm happy & content with life, I know there is people who are more worse off than I, life is what you make of it, get on with it.

Cheers.

[Sam_Boss260]

Originally Posted by Ratmick

Well that blows on several fronts and sh!ts me severely (on your behalf).

Firstly your BIL is a selfish self-centred pr!ck.

Secondly you need to get legal assistance now as if your MIL is still alive it's not HIS property unless he has power of attorney, and even though you still need legal counsel.

She has the right to live off her own money generated from her property and if he doesn't like that I'd be dropping her off with a suitcase one Sunday afternoon with a 'see you later'.

What are you wife's views of all this?

The will has been done, 50 / 50 with my wife and the BIL. And they both have enduring power of attorney. He's not trying to take to property now, he just wants it there after she is gone. The MIL is getting the rent money now, but as I said it just covers the bills on the properties. Still, it's her property to do what she wants with. There are some other stories relating to money and my BIL which I won't share here, but this is not a great situation.

How does my wife feel about all of this? She is stressed to the max, and the pressure is building up. She is in the same boat as I am, not happy nor content.

[mik]

Unfortunately Sam often there are relo`s in the lime light causing stress and problems in familys, and again often no amount of presenting the real picture of what they are doing will open their eyes, they only see what is in it for them.
im in a situation different but similar if that makes sense , and have been for 10+ years with nothing i can do but ride it out.
i wish you all the best with the outcome.

[nuthin' fancy]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

Having read the Depression / Anxiety thread on here, as well as What made you feel good thread, it got me thinking..... What makes you happy, and in fact are you happy and content in life right now?

I guess, this might be a bit of a place where we can get all deep and talk about our feelings and how happy and content we really are?

Lately I've been feeling a sense of unhappiness and discontentment. Work is quite full on and stressful and home life, which is normally my sanctuary doesn't feel like home at all anymore as we know have my mother in law living us full time. So I feel like a stranger in my own home at times. There isn't much we can do about this, she not able to live alone since the father in law passed away last year but she is too well for independent living / retirement village. My wife's brother isn't supportive and that puts more stress and strain on us. My wife is doing the best she can, and I guess is feeling the same way.

I love my wife to bits, but all this strain cannot not take a toll on us. She is always tired and stressed with her mum - she has mild dementia, high diabetes and has at least 2 -3 doctors or specialist appointments a week for one thing or another, so my wife is always running around with her.

I'm finally making very good money at work, but just don't seem content in myself. I love my motorbikes and taking it out for a blast on the weekends but sometimes I just couldn't be stuffed.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhoea, but I thought that there may be other going through similar things and might be good to share.

Sam,

My view of things.

I went to a funeral on Friday, the 77 y/o mum of a very good mate of mine passed in her sleep without warning.

We had a few beers after the funeral and he commented that as hard as it was to lose her without warning, she was only ever in a positition to help, she lived her life selflessly (kids and grandkids first, daylight a distant fourth) and never became a burden to anyone.

In a lot of ways he and his three siblings are lucky.

You have to find a balance between the absolute need you have to keep your kids and your wife happy (first and second priority, in that order). Your MIL comes after that and you have to find a way to do what you know is right accommodating all the other things that are the right thing to do.

To a point you help your MIL be comfortable and safe but when the point comes that the more important things suffer, the next decision is clear.

if you brother-in-law won't step up, that is his choice. Call him for the (insert description here) he is and move on for the sake of your family and yourself.

It is not an easy path, people may criticise you, but they don't matter.

Good luck mate.