What jokes do you know?

[xr8chick]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Excuses for missing your job.

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

[pauljh74]

What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?

..second gear.
****************************
I have recently discovered i have CDO, it's just like OCD but the letters are arranged alphabetically, like they should be.

[Burnout]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearly tab le. The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes", sighs
the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since". "My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

[Burnout]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

[BIGJB]

^^^^^ that ones a pearler burnedout

[deesun]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you sp end?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[billkara]

*Australia says no to violence against women*

[Burnout]

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to
be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, n
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[ltd]

Two young girls are sitting in English class at an exclusive girls school, when the teacher asks the exceptionally well spoken and cultured girl to use the word "Improper" in a sentence. The Girl replies; "Last weekend my father was digging potatoes in our backyard with a spade, that was improper, he should have used a fork". "Outstanding" the teacher commented. Now, upon witnessing the bogan girl not paying attention she asked her the same question; "Shazza, use the word 'improper' in a sentence". Shazza replied; "Yeah, well last night me and me boyfriend were shaggin and when his balls were slappin me bum I knew he was improper".

[BabyJ]

Wazza walks into his local boozer, orders a beer, turns round and sees George Bush talking to Kevin Rudd.
Amazed that these 2 world leaders are in his local. Waz asks the barman if he's seeing things.
"Nah Waz" says the barman, " Your not seeing things. They been in here all arvo. Just sitting quietly in that corner talking."
Waz can't help himself, so he walks over and introduces himself.
He says to George Bush, " What the hell are you 2 doing in here?'
"Well" says Bush, " We're actually just discussing how we're gonna start world war 3!"
Blown away by this news Waz asks, " No way! What are you planning on doing?"
"Well", says Bush, " First, we're gonna kill 140 million muslims and then were gonna kill a blonde girl with big tits."
"Strewth!!" cries Waz, but he's a bit concerned. " Don't take this the wrong way George, but why are you gonna kill the blonde with big tits?"
Upon hearing this, George Bush jumps to his feet and says to Kevin, " See!!! I bloody told you that no one will give a f.ark about 140 million muslims!!"

[Burnout]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very
fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to
send her a few bucks myself."

[Burnout]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Emergency, took
her husband aside, and said , "I don't like the looks of your wife at
all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and is really good with the kids".

[GS608]

What do women and clouds have in common?

You know when they off you are in for a good day.

==========================

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

============

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

[snakeoil]

Young man joins a fighting force in a desert somewhere...... after three months feeling a bit toey approaches his captain sitting at the campfire and asks

"Sir what do we do for sex out here?"
Captain replies in a heavy accent
"Camel behind the tree" ....................Young man walks off.............no effin way man

Time passes.....spankin the monkey senseless but still no relief approaches the captain

"Sir what do we do for sex out here?"
Captain replies in a heavy accent
"Camel behind the tree" ....................Young man walks off.............just cannooot do it

Two long years have now passed blindness is setting in.........and again

"Sir what do we do for sex out here?"
Captain replies in a heavy accent
"Camel behind the tree" ....................Young man walks off finds the nearest camel and shags it silly

Returning to the campsite minutes later relieved relaxed.........confident sits down

his captain says

mate that was quick .........its a half hour ride to town !!!

[snakeoil]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose

Full

Sorry that was terrible

[Burnout]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says,
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put
the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Burnout]

A blonde calls Virgin Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from Sydney to Perth?" The agent replies,
"Just a minute …..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[troppo]

I bought the wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. She wasn't happy but the at least the vacuum cleaner is working properly again.

[The Robot Devil]

Why do women like circumsised men?






They see 10% off and can't help themselves...

[troppo]

George Bush was sitting around doing not much of anything when one of his aides informed him that 3 Brasilian peace keepers had been killed in Iraq in the line of duty.
George looked shellshocked and bowed his head to shed a few tears before raising it again to ask "how many is a brazillion?"

[V3RSAC3]

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"





WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...



The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[snakeoil]

Little fairy penguin driving down the road .....car coughs and splutters and has just enough power to make it to the local servo.mechanic comes out has a look and says to the little fairy penguin come back in an hour

One hour later the little Fairy penguin returns to the servo
the mechanic says

"mate you have blown a seal" little fairy penguin replies

"ooh aah no way Ive just had an ice cream"

[killerjoolz]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door
is open.'Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way
looking a Bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and
said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door'

He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the
counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see
a soldier standing in there at attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for
a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran
sitting on a couple of old bean bags.”

[T3-STROKER]

HOW come politicians don't get piles ?

cos they're all perfect s.

[Charliewool]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[deesun]

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' :
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' :
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Charliewool]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
-----------------------------------------------------

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “then it would make no sense at all.”

[Burnout]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How
was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective
replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

[snakeoil]

I am just suggesting dear sirs that there should be some awards here
ie Best crude joke
ie Best Family joke etc
Irish jokes do not count...........

[uranium_death]

Kevin Rudd for Best Family Joke.
Was meant to help families...we're still waiting :P